An Open Letter to My Fellow Imposters
“If you’ve ever dodged the spotlight because you felt like you didn’t belong—you’re not alone. Let’s turn down the volume on that inner critic with these simple steps.”
Hello, My Friend,
Do you feel like a fraud? Me too.
You may know me as upbeat, optimistic, gregarious, and quick with a joke or an encouraging word. But beneath all the boisterous energy and smiles, I can still be wildly insecure at times and sometimes worry that the facade may crumble. Does this sound familiar to you? Do you tell yourself stories, have feelings, or maybe even say aloud that you're not enough?
I’ll let you in on a little secret: everyone feels this way. In my many years of working with and developing leaders, I can say with some authority that most, if not all, of the people I’ve worked with feel this way on some level. Confidence isn’t about feeling like you have it all figured out 100% of the time. Confidence comes from knowing how to silence that inner critic and lean into your awesomeness. I’m going to share a bit of my journey, my struggles, and how I've learned to believe in myself a little more each day. Every day is a struggle, but that's the point. You will never be 100% confident, and that shouldn’t stop you.
The Early Struggles: Self-Doubt and Insecurity
Self-doubt, and in some very real ways, self-hatred, started early for me. I remember sitting in parent-teacher conferences where my teachers would describe me as affable and likable but also struggling to learn, comprehend, and apply even rudimentary concepts. I joke about it now, but I really did get my first F on a report card in 3rd grade. It was in spelling, and I still struggle with it to this day. I remember growing up, thinking I wasn’t capable of anything.
My mom tried to encourage me. I remember her saying, “You received bad messages from school.” Knowing my mom believed in me was comforting because I certainly didn’t. That lack of belief became my shield. I found that if I joked about being dumb when I got a bad grade, it seemed to validate it and hurt less. This feeling of being unremarkable carried me through life. I applied for jobs and tried to perform well, but I never felt like I deserved any praise. Compliments were wasted on me. I would deflect, discard, or refute them, thinking people were “just being kind.”
Maybe you’ve felt this way too. Maybe you cope with it differently. I think, on some level, we all have that bully in our brain that tells us we’re not good enough, not smart enough, and no one likes us.
This Isn’t a Sad Story—It’s a Journey to Strength and Self-Belief
On the contrary, I hope it brings encouragement.
You see, while I still struggle with feeling like an imposter from time to time, I’ve learned a thing or two that have helped me on my journey, and I’d like to share them with you. Because here’s what I know: you are CAPABILITY waiting to be exercised. Let me walk you through a few insights that can help you build self-belief and unlock your potential.
Surround Yourself With People Who Believe in You
This might sound cliché, and maybe it is. But when I say surround yourself with people who believe in you, I don’t mean cheerleaders who just tell you, “You’re awesome,” and other nice things. They might do that occasionally, but these people won’t give you what you want; they’ll give you what you need. Surround yourself with people who see your potential and are a little pissed off that you haven’t achieved it yet.
My wife is a wonderful example of this. She agreed to marry me, even though when we said, “I do,” I was unemployed, had few career prospects, and knew little about being a good husband. To top it all off, we were living with her parents. (Did I mention my wife is a saint?)
This wasn’t helped by the fact that some people in my life openly told me I wasn’t worthy. But they were never louder than that bully in my head.
“She’s too good for you.”
“She deserves better.”
“You can’t provide the life she deserves.”
My wife and I have been married for 20 years.
Practice: When the voice of inadequacy shows up, think of three ways you’ve provided a good life for yourself, your partner, and/or your family. Then, tell someone something nice or do something kind for them.
Allow Yourself to Surprise You
Remember when I told you school was tough for me? When I graduated high school, I used to say, “I’d rather work twice as hard and make less money than ever go to school again.” And I meant it. I thought school was a waste of time. I was a terrible student—why would I pay to do that again? Hard pass.
Years later, after starting a family, I worked for a company that offered tuition reimbursement. After waffling about school, I decided to give college a chance. It was free money; I’d be stupid not to. When I went to register, I found out I was late—and that voice came back.
“Here we go again.”
“Can’t even register for school on time. How are you actually going to learn?”
“Aren’t you a little old for college?”
The office told me I could get in, but the only available class was their most brutal course. They warned me, “Don’t be discouraged if you don’t pass. The teacher is tough, and many people struggle.”
“You should just quit now…”
“A logic and critical thinking class? Aren’t those two things you don’t do well?”
“I can’t wait to say ‘I told you so.’”
Practice: When the voice of self-doubt creeps in, look for physical reminders of your accomplishments—degrees on a wall, thank-you notes from people you’ve helped, awards you’ve won. That voice will tell you you’re not good enough; your accomplishments will show you that you are.
Be Confident in Your Knowledge, But Always Willing to Learn and Grow
Even from a young age, I was stubborn about the things I knew I knew. Granted, they were few and far between, but the things I did know—I knew them well. My mom regularly told me I should look into becoming a lawyer because I could argue a point to near exhaustion.
Being confident in what you know is awesome, as long as it’s coupled with a healthy dose of, “I could absolutely be wrong about this.”
This way of thinking has its pitfalls, but it will help you stand up for yourself while remaining open to growth.
Practice: Next time your inner bully makes you second-guess yourself, test your knowledge. Read an article, watch a TedTalk, or write about it. This will let you flex your knowledge while opening you to new ideas and approaches.
Listen to the Stories You Tell Yourself—They Impact How You and Others Perceive You
Years ago, a mentor of mine changed my perspective. I asked him what he thought was the number one characteristic of a great coach or consultant. His reply was simple: the ability to connect with others. Easy, I thought. I’m GREAT with people. When I asked him what my biggest growth opportunity was, he replied, “Your ability to connect with people.”
Wait… what? Excuse me? I just said I’m great with people.
“You’re not cut out for this.”
“You can’t even help yourself—how are you going to help others?”
“Even your mentors don’t think you’re worth anything.”
He explained, “You do connect with people, but the problem is how you’re connecting. Your self-deprecating way is disarming, but it undermines the most important thing a coach or consultant has: credibility.” Then he said something that’s echoed in my head for over a decade: “If you keep telling people you’re dumb, eventually, they’ll believe you.”
Growth Doesn’t Stop Until Your Heart Does
This month, I committed to stop discounting myself. No more deflecting compliments or indulging in negative self-talk. If I can do it, so can you. It’s time to advocate for yourself and believe in your skills—because you’ve earned it.
I’ve had a lot of help along the way, so many opportunities, and loads of luck, and without any of that, I wouldn’t be where I am today. However, I’ve also worked my butt off—blood, sweat, tears, clawing, scraping, rising and falling. That work deserves some regard. I have earned it.
They say that “comparison is the thief of joy,” and there is wisdom in that for sure. But I think the real thief of joy is convincing yourself that you are who you are—that there’s no room for growth, that we can never surprise ourselves, and that you’re not worth investing in. When you don’t surround yourself with people who are brave enough and love you enough to tell you that you can be better, that’s when you really start losing.
Thank you for reading part of my story. You’re not fake; your inner bully just wants you to think you are. Tell that bully to kick rocks!
Ready to take the next step?
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