TL/DR: Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is not optional—it’s essential for leadership and life. It’s what makes leadership human. If you can’t manage emotions (yours or others’), you won’t connect, inspire, or lead effectively—no matter how smart or strategic you are.

I am going to say something very controversial...

Take a deep breath and prepare yourself...
...if you’re reading this right...
...you have emotions.

I know, I know. It was a revelation to me, too.

But don’t worry- I am here to help you through it.

Worse, as a leader, you must manage your emotions and be expected to know and help those who look to you manage theirs.

This should not be new to you, but I am still amazed at the level of ick that many leaders feel when discussing their and their people's emotions.

Emotions are a part of life—a crucial part. They drive our decision-making, help us connect with others, signal what is truly important to us, impact our performance, and help shape our culture.

Having and feeling emotions are not signs of weakness; they are quite the opposite; they are what makes us distinctly human, and when treated with the respect they deserve, play a huge role in what our life experience is going to be.

To do this well, leaders need to be intelligent—more specifically, emotionally intelligent. However, it has been my experience that there is a misunderstanding of emotional intelligence (EQ) and a leader's role in using it properly.

In this article, we will discuss EQ, how it manifests in leadership, and how to use it to be the best for and get the best from your people. Let’s start with what it is!

Author’s note: Hey friend, I am going to refer to leadership a lot in this article, but you can keep reading even if you’re not a “leader,” because this is actually just “being a person” stuff.

Emotional intelligence (referred to as Emotional Quotient or EQ) is how well you understand and manage emotions–your own AND others. Put another way, it is the human skills side of being smart.

And, as Simon Sinek says, “If you don’t understand people, you don’t understand business.” So, let's understand people.

The 5 Key Components of Emotional Intelligence

1) Self-Awareness: Knowing WHAT you are feeling and WHY

Most people have not done enough work on the second part of self-awareness. Being self-aware means not just being able to articulate the emotion(s) that you’re feeling but also understanding what drives that emotion. You see, our feelings are instructive. When we feel something, our brains let us know that something deeper is happening.

Feelings are not about right and wrong but about awareness and understanding. When you have an emotional response to something, do you know where that is coming from internally, or do you lay the responsibility on others for “making you feel that way?”

For instance, when you ask a team member to do something, they don’t get it done. Is it rational for you to feel pissed off about that?

Absolutely! After all, you asked them to do their job, and they didn’t do it. That’s knowing what you are feeling. The why, however, is much more nuanced. Are you feeling pissed off because they didn’t do the thing you asked them to and it triggered a feeling of disrespect or inadequacy? Or, is it because it leads you to believe they don’t care as much as you? There are a thousand different reasons why you feel that way. What's important is, do you know why?

Let me tell you why this work matters. When I was younger, I would desperately seek the approval of men I looked to as leaders in my life. But I would also have an innate distrust of them. I knew this feeling, I knew what it felt like, and I knew when it was going to crop up. What took me years to understand was where it came from. Once I understood that, I recognized how that pressure affected both my expectations and growth. Things as complex as our parents, upbringing, values, mental models–our software—or as simple as “I am hungry or tired" impact our ability to know and control our emotions. The point is to know them, understand them, and change them if needed.

Practice: When you are feeling an emotion, spend some time asking yourself where that emotion comes from—where it really comes from. Keep digging until you get past the circumstance or the other people involved, keep digging until you get to you.

2) Self-Regulation: Managing your emotions so they don’t control you

It's a common phrase at my house:

“It is important to feel our feelings; it is just as important to choose how we respond to them.”

Before we discuss this further, I want to acknowledge that there are responses to emotions that are out of our control (or much harder to control). Laughing or crying is often involuntary, even at unexpected times. I can recall instances as a child when I was being disciplined by adults, but laughing uncontrollably. It was a defense mechanism I built to cope with being nervous or scared of the anger/disappointment of others. In those instances, deep work needs to be done with a professional to understand where that response comes from and how to manage it better. But those are not the norm.

What is more prevalent is leaders (read: people) allowing the emotions they are feeling to dictate the response, rather than acknowledging the emotion and then taking time to process the appropriate response. For instance, someone does something that annoys you, and instead of snapping at them, you choose to take a deep breath.

Self-regulation is a lifelong process of understanding learned behavior and determining if that response is:
a) the one you want to have, and
b) the one you should have.

I know you have people in your life who are wholly governed by their emotions, and there are times when you should choose righteous indignation when something warrants that type of response. But it shouldn’t be every time, and the response should be tempered to fit the reality.

Practice: Take some time to inventory your “default settings.”
When you get angry or frustrated,

What is your typical response to that emotion?
What would you like it to be?
What steps need to be taken to own your own behavior?
(I find breathing to be a very great practice for self-regulation.)

3) Motivation: Being driven by internal goals, not just rewards and recognition

That's right! Motivation is a large part of Emotional Intelligence. More specifically, it has to do with your ability to motivate yourself. In the EQ space, motivation goes beyond extrinsic rewards like money, recognition, or status. Those things are important, but if they are the only things driving you, are you really living for fulfillment? Intrinsic motivation comes from doing something because it matters to you, not what you get. And THAT is where real fulfillment comes from.

People with high EQ are passionate about what they do. Not only are they passionate about what they do, but they also understand why they are passionate about it. That passion makes them more resilient when things get tough and allows them to focus on long-term success, not short-term wins.

Want a quick and easy test to see if you (or those you lead) are self-motivated?

Ask yourself: "Do you (or they) rely on constant praise or pressure to take action?"

“But Wes, didn’t you just write a book talking about building a spirit of gratitude and how important that is?”

I sure did, and it is essential in culture building and employee engagement. But that is extrinsic motivation, which is a different thing altogether.

Emotionally intelligent motivation comes from a deeper connection to the why. When you have this, optimism comes naturally. Because you are not reliant on external factors, your mindset will be grounded in the belief that you can improve situations, even ones that feel insurmountable. That motivation fuels tenacity and creativity. It makes problem-solving feel like a challenge, not a chore.

One double-edged sword of self-motivation is that your standard will be much higher than that of those who are not. The positive side is that you will push yourself to deliver your best regardless of the situation, because you care about it beyond the outcome. The challenge is the realization that other people may not (read: do not) hold that same standard.

This is especially difficult for owners and founders. I am here to tell you that most of your people will never care as much as you do, unless you spend the time building the why, and have a personal stake in the success of the business.

Leaders who invest in their self-motivation will find it easier to model consistency, inspire others, be less impacted by failure, and create a culture where people want to work hard, not because they have to, but because they want to.

Practice: 5-why

In continuous improvement, there is a tool called 5-why. This tool helps people get to the root cause of a problem. It is one of my favorites, because it has such a wide array of uses, including finding your own why.

Pick a goal for yourself.
Once you have picked that goal, ask yourself, “Why is that important to me?”
Once you've determined that, ask again. “Why is that important to me?”
Rinse and repeat until you reach a core value, like growth, legacy, etc.

You’ll want to go 4-5-6 layers deep on this. There is some empirical evidence that there is something significant about asking “why” 5 times.

Bonus Practice: Do a weekly motivation check-in.

Ask yourself the following questions:

What lit me up this week?
When did I feel disengaged–and why?
What is one thing I can do next week that aligns with my core “why”?

3) Empathy: Sensing and understanding how others feel

One source of the word “Empathy: comes from the Greek words “em” meaning “in” and “pathos” meaning “feeling.” and is defined as being able to understand and share the feelings of others.

An important distinction needs to be made here: having empathy and being an empath.

Empaths are people who have a heightened capacity for feeling and are prone to “feeling and absorbing other people’s emotions and/or physical symptoms because of their high sensitivities.” For example, if your friend is crying with joy, celebrating the birth of a child, you start to cry with them.

Empathy is simply being in tune with other people’s emotions and the circumstances that may be causing them, and being compelled to check in. For example, you might notice a quieter team member than usual, and you might check in with them to see if they are okay.

No one is asking everyone to be an empath. But everyone wants and needs their leaders to be empathetic. We are never 100% at our best, and leaders who know this and accept this are much more likely to build trust and have better communication. Conversely, leaders who disregard people’s feelings as “unimportant” or “none of their business” will quickly diminish any chance of higher engagement or sense of loyalty.

You want people to care? You first.

True empathy comes with the understanding that people have feelings and those feelings have value. When you can mature as a leader to understand this and act accordingly, you will find that empathy will not only be reciprocated (when you inevitably are not at your best), but it will also create an environment where people care for one another and, in the long run, make your life and the lives of those around you better. Never underestimate the power of asking people how they are doing and genuinely listening.

Practice: Before reacting to someone whose performance is down, ask yourself the following:

What might this person be feeling right now?
What might be influencing their behavior?
How would I want to be treated if I were in their shoes?

5) Social Skills: Building strong relationships, communicating well, and influencing others positively

EQ social skills are not measured in how popular you are. (see: Self-Motivation) There are loads of people in my life with lots of people in their lives, but they do not have a lick of EQ.

Building strong relationships is about the depth and quality of those relationships, not how many of them you have.

Do you have healthy boundaries? Do the people in your life have healthy boundaries? Do you know people’s hopes, dreams, and aspirations? Do they know yours? Do they come to you when times are hard? Are you able to count on them when times are hard for you? Do people ask for your advice or input on personal matters? Do you ask them for advice or input on personal issues? These things are the hallmarks of strong and healthy relationships and a sign that you have solid EQ.

Are you able to communicate with others well? Communication is a joint venture between the sender and the receiver. Are you able to navigate those tricky waters?

A friend of mine once told me that “one of the hardest parts about leadership is being able to communicate difficult things without pissing people off.”

High EQ leaders have the hard conversations early, can have them in a solution-oriented way, and ensure that everyone feels heard in the process.

Doing both these things well will inevitably lead to being a positive leader and thus a positive influence on the people you lead. Positivity is not wearing rose-colored glasses and saying, “Everything is awesome,” (cue Lego Movie theme) even when it’s not. That is called emotional dissonance and is actually a sign of low EQ. Being able to influence others positively involves being optimistic about the potential outcomes, being realistic about the current state, and inspiring them to move forward.

This looks different for everyone. You don’t have to be outgoing and gregarious to build strong relationships, communicate well, and be a positive influence. You simply have to take the time to learn about yourself and those around you.

Practice: Do an intent versus impact reflection.

Think about a recent interaction that did not go as well as you hoped.

Ask yourself the following:

What was my intent in that interaction?
What might the impact have been on the other person?
How might I have come across emotionally–calm, rushed, defensive, etc?
What could I do differently next time to align my intent with the impact I want to have?

Bonus Practice:

At the end of your day, record:

One person I connected with well today and why?
A moment I could have connected better, and how?
What is one relationship I want to strengthen this week?
What is one small action to take?

At the end of the day, emotional intelligence makes leadership human (and is what makes humans human). It does not matter how great your strategy is, how smart (IQ-wise) you are or how brilliant your ideas are if you can’t connect with people, inspire them, build trust, or handle adversity with poise, you are never going to accomplish your goals and more importantly life is going to be miserable.

We are all in this together; we might as well make it awesome.

With stoke and gratitude,

The MOST Important Intelligence